Forgive and Forget
When we were younger, the phrase "forgive and forget" swept through youth groups everywhere. It became a mantra or a catchphrase. Sometimes it became a band-aid advice, something we told each other to patch up a hurt, trusting the wound will heal on its own. Most times it worked because the younger we were, the more resilient our hearts. Other times it didn't work because the pain was too deep, and nobody taught us what "forgive and forget" really meant.
Years later (and now, years ago) I learned what it means to forgive and forget. One of the things that helped me a lot was a passage from a book. I don't remember the title or what the book was about, but this one passage about forgiving and forgetting stood out and stuck with me permanently. Forgetting, the author said, didn't mean we literally forget. Without amnesia, that was impossible. Forgetting meant we didn't expect the person who wronged us to make it up to us. We didn't hold their sin against us over their heads. We absolve them of their obligation to make us feel better.
For years I couldn't forgive and forget. A person I trusted broke my confidence. This person revealed our private conversations to others. This person gossiped about my spiritual struggles, laughed and joked with others about my spiritual journey, and elevated him/herself by telling others I was subpar. Forgive and forget was out the window. I wanted justice. I wanted payback. I wanted the anger.
The trouble with holding a grudge is that it affects everyone around you. Oh, don't get me wrong. I still think I had the right to be angry. But when I didn't forgive and forget, I was hurt the most.
How do you forgive and forget someone who devastated your life? I'm not saying it's easy. Actually, it's one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Matthew 6:14-15 repeated in my head like a broken record. Forgive others and God will forgive you. Don't forgive others and God will not forgive you. But I wanted to hold onto the anger because forgiving and forgetting felt like an easy way out for this person. And it just. Wasn't. Fair.
But I became blinded. I drowned in my hurt and anger. I stopped caring about other people. This person and I had the same set of friends so I alienated myself from them. I cried a lot, and whenever I prayed, it felt like I was praying to a wall. God was silent. I felt alone, there was no way out, and I went into depression. I didn't seek and never received professional help, but I displayed all of the symptoms of major depressive disorder. I was so stressed I developed a tick, and I was in chronic physical pain.
In the Bible, Jesus cursed a fig tree that had no fruit. It withered and died. Jesus said,
"Have faith in God...Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" (Mark 11:22-26)Forgiving and forgetting isn't for the other person. To this day, I don't know if the person knew how much s/he hurt me. But that didn't matter because to forgive and forget wasn't an easy way out for that person. It was an easy way out for me. As hard as it was to do, to forgive and to forget was the easy way out of my hurt and my anger. It was the easy way to peace and healing.
When Jesus was talking about forgiving others, He was really talking about faith and prayer. People say all the time that faith can move mountains. It can. Faith in God can do crazy unbelievable things. What we ask in prayer, we can get. But there's one very important aspect to consider. Our hearts.
Our hearts cannot have doubt. We have to believe and believe and believe in the power of God. Our hearts have to belong to Him. It has to be full of faith. That is why Jesus said when we pray, we need to make sure we forgive others. We need to make sure we're not holding anything against anyone because unforgiveness crowds our hearts.
When I didn't forgive and forget, I was hurt the most because my heart was too full of hurt and anger to hear God. I don't think He was silent. I think God was trying to pull me back into His embrace. But my heart was filled with noise and I couldn't hear Him. It's like having blinders. I could only focus on my anger.
When I finally forgave, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. But I had to forget. Colossians 3:13 tells us to forgive like God forgave us. And when God forgives us, He forgets our sins (Hebrews 8:12, Isaiah 43:25, Psalm 32:1-2, Hebrews 10:17-18).
Forgetting was hard. It was hard not to want that person to make it up to me. It was like throwing my hands up, stepping back, and saying, "Enough." I had to decide which was more important, this person's apology or myself. I picked me. It was a journey of one step forward and two steps back until I found myself in a place of peace and healing. I smiled more, had less stress, and no pain. I started to see how God was working in my life.
It's important for us to forgive others and forget their sins. Hurt, anger, and unforgiveness affect our well-being, our quality of life. They affect our emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health. It's not easy to forgive and forget, and it's certainly a journey. But learn from my experience. Don't let your heart be crowded with anger. To forgive and forget, as hard as it may be, is still the easier way for our own peace and healing.
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